Dec 15, 2013

How I'm Feeling Today - #peawatch

This morning I woke up with no alarm right around 6 a.m. and my first thought was, "At this time yesterday, I was with Pea, petting her for the last time and hearing her purr and meow." Right before rushing her to the ER. I hit the snooze button a couple times yesterday morning before I got out of bed. I had set my alarm for 5:30, and I wish I'd popped up then. I would have had a few more minutes with her.

But I am so thankful that we had a transport leaving early in the morning or else I would have woken up later and she would have already been gone. I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her and I wouldn't have had any idea what happened.

I didn't want to get up this morning yet, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of hollowness. I stayed in bed and tried to go back to sleep, and when I did I ended having one of those dreams that just seemed so real. I was walking through some amazing house, and it was like it was mine but the rooms were gorgeous and it was huge and beautifully decorated. When I went into each room, it was like I was trying to focus harder, not believing that was my room. And I'd blink and it would become a real room in my house (like it looks now) for a moment. It was like something or someone was walking me through this gorgeous place to show me.

And maybe it sounds silly, but I just had such a peaceful feeling that it was Sweet Pea showing me that where she is now is a beautiful, wonderful place. And that there is still a piece of my place with her there. I don't even know how much I believe in any of this stuff, but I really felt better, and I slept soundly for another couple hours after.

And then when I finally woke up, I only made two bowls of food and then sat in Pea's bathroom for a while holding her little pillow and just cried. I will probably always associate the smell of the Airwick "Trimming the Tree" plug-in that I had in there with Pea. It'll always smell like her room.

A ton of times yesterday and a few times already this morning, I just like saying her name out loud, because I don't want to lose how I say it. I've said it in the car, at home, I said goodnight to her last night and good morning to her today, talking to the couch where she'd normally be meatloafed then.

It took me forever to change out of my clothes and take a shower after losing her yesterday, because her fur was on my shirt and I didn't want to wash it. It's folded on my bathroom counter still. I'm not sure how long I'll leave it there before I finally do.

I have no idea what to do with her stuff. It's not like she had a lot of stuff, but her hidey bed I bought her because I knew it would make her feel safe and the toys that I gave her that she never played with but were always there with her, the fleece bed with the towel on it still -- I don't want to move any of it.

I remembered this morning that I had bought her a pretty pink collar with a pretty pink flower on it a few weeks ago. I thought it was very "Sweet Pea" like the actual sweet pea flower. I didn't know if she'd ever let me put a collar on her, but I thought if she did, she would just look beautiful in it. It's in a basket in my kitchen.

Her Christmas stocking will stay up. With the pretty pink "P" pin that I bought to put on the white part of it.

Last night I looked at my wrist where I have a scar from her. It's a line under my paw print tattoo from a pretty good scratch that she graced me with when I was trying to put a harness on her before flying with her to Pittsburgh back in October. She did NOT want to wear that thing, and she won. She didn't, but she did leave me with a few marks to remind me never to try that stunt again. In the past couple weeks, I've been putting scar cream on it to try and fade it, because I wanted my paw tattoo to not have ugly marks around it. I'm not putting that on anymore. A mark from Pea by my paw tattoo is perfect. It's what that paw is all about, now that I think about it and it adds to it, not takes away from it like I thought before.

I've just been remembering a lot of things about Pea. I've loved her for years as my parking lot kitty before bringing her home. When I was having a sad time, I'd go to the parking lot just to hang out with her. There was a period where I can't remember what I was sad about, but what I do remember is waking up early on those weekend mornings, going to Dunkin Donuts to buy coffee and breakfast and then taking it over to the parking lot to eat it with Sweet Pea. I'd sit on one of the parking curbs and eat while she circled around me and rubbed my legs and back and arms, all the while with her tail straight up and happy like it always was. It was her that I went to be with then for comfort, even though there were other kitties there also.

I just can't believe she's gone. I guess it was better for her that it was very fast and that she was completely fine the day and night before. We were learning that she had something wrong that we couldn't fix, and I knew that eventually I would have to say goodbye. I didn't know how long she had, but I knew that I'd be caring for her whenever she would have started to get sick and show signs, and that we might have a hard time coming up eventually one day. I guess I'm glad that she didn't have to go through that. It was easier for her, but harder for me. Too soon and too fast is what I've been saying over and over again.

We didn't even get to do one official "Three Cats Thursday" after I finally admitted to myself that she was mine.

I promise not to make this a sad blog for long, but I really feel I can share these things with you all and you'll understand. And it helps me to write. So thank you all. And thank you for all the help with her bills yesterday. I can't express enough how that makes me feel. Thank you for sharing Pea Heart with me.

Here is Pea being a happy, wiggly girl on my couch not too long ago. She was so happy to be inside.


I also uploaded a couple other videos if you want to see. There's one of Moo stalking her around the house (that I use a bad word at the end, but it's so appropriate!) and another one of a live #peawatch in action.

Thanks, everyone. Tomorrow we'll go back to cute videos and happy Cute.

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45 comments:

  1. It's a loss in your life and it will be there. I know you are getting all manner of comments so I will just send goat hugs. Lots and lots goat hugs.

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  2. Dorian: Such a great post. I know it sounds crazy, as I never net her, but I'm missing Pea terribly. But she will always live on in your heart and in the hearts of others. Sweet prayers for Sweet Pea.

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  3. Crying as I read your post. I feel as If I knew her just from the stories you told of her. She was a lucky girl. Hugs.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.......I miss her and I only saw her on your blog......such a sweet, pretty kitty. She'll always be with you.....God bless you. Take care of yourself. <3

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  5. Losing a furbaby is hard no matter what the circumstances. I think we all share the sadness over the loss of Pea. She knew she was loved and safe and that's all a creature can ask for sometimes.

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  6. so sorry for your loss...I understand the sadness and despair...each one is so special..some more than others...but the love for my cats is the reason I get up each day! They are my children too! God Bless You and your kitties! my photo is of my missing Joseph Michael sleeping on my couch, I miss him so, never knew where he disappeared to.

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  7. Never feel bad for sharing things like this. We have all been there and know what you are going through. And there is no time limit on grief....but you gave her an opportunity and a home and that counts for a lot.

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  8. Do you know that 2 seconds, when you first wake up, and you forget....you forget that you lost your sweet friend, and the world is okay...and then....THEN you remember and your heart sinks to your gut and you feel awful? I hate that. How I wish we had that 2 second feeling forever...that everything is okay and good.



    I'm sorry, Dorian. I'm sorry that you lost your Pea. I'm sad too--I think we all are because we know that feeling...and it stinks. Stinks bad.



    I think Pea chose her own time to go. She was warm, her belleh was full, she was loved....and now...it was okay to let go. She didn't suffer long, thank goodness. I guess if we could chose, that is how we would want it, right? She was happy in her new home and now it was okay to go to kitty heaven.


    She didn't die in the parking lot, or on the streets. She had so much LOVE in the end. May we all be so lucky.


    Hugs and love to you, Dorian. I know how very hard this is for you.

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  9. Hug and purrs and kisses from California. Your precious Pea knew she was loved and that is what matters. Thank you for taking care of her and sharing her with us. There is no timetable for grief, so take all the time you need. I've had many kitties share my life over the years, and I miss them all, and yes, some more than others. Now they are a sweet memory and never fail to make me smile. So think of your precious Sweet Pea and smile, for she will always be a part of you. Thank you and bless you for all you do. It matters. ❤️

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  10. sweet pea will always be alive in your heart. ms dorian

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  11. I'm sure your beautiful dream was Sweet Pea's way of showing you she was ok. I had a similar dream of my dog years ago the night after she died. She was running on the beach (something she had never done before). The next day when I told my mom, she said she also dreamt of Tamee running and playing. I do believe our animals know how we are grieving for them and want to show us the beautiful place they are in now, free from pain and happy.

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  12. You take as much time as you need. I have thought about you & Pea nonstop. Even before I went to bed last night I was thinking of how hard it must be for you to go to bed (cuz I've been there) knowing Pea had been with you 24 hours before. When I lost Erin I had a night gown on holding him when he died in my arms & I've never been able to wear it again and it laid at the foot of my bed for weeks. I truly believe God worked it out for you to be with her at the end of her life. The home she might hv gone to & it falling thru, that she was out of the parking lot & in a safe loved place with you is not a coincidence... it's Gods hand. You had a bond with her that could not be broken. I truly send you tons of love & thoughts of comfort as you grieve. You are not alone and if you need to write more we are here for you. Love you Dorian, Pimp & Moo!!!

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  13. You write about her as often as you need, for as long as you need. We who love and have loved our furbabies will always understand.

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  14. I am so sorry to hear about Pea. You gave her the gift of being an owned cat at the end of her life- don't overlook that just because you didn't have her all her life! She knows you loved her the entire time.

    I do kinda believe in the afterlife and I do think she was telling you that she is in a good place and you are still a part of her good place.

    *big hugs*

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  15. Prayers and purrs with you right now. I know how hard it is to have that sick feeling when you know your baby is ill and there is nothing you can do about it. I lost my very first cat after only four short years together to congenital kidney disease. It destroyed me. I am thinking of you and your little Pimp and Moo, and especially of your Sweetpea. Isn't it wonderful that she got to spend such a glorious period of her life with you, all warm and safe and loved. And even though you feel like it was such a short amount of time, remember, cats don't measure time by days and years, she just knows that she had love and safety and that you were the one who provided that to her, so she did the only thing animals know how to do and that was to love you unconditionally.

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  16. I missed yesterday's post and just went back and read it, and I'm in tears! I am so very sorry for you to have lost your Pea just after you admitted she was yours. For Pea herself, though, I think it was a kind end. She was safe, warm and fed, and didn't have to fight to survive anymore. And that gift, which you gave her from your heart, is priceless.

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  17. I think most of us can understand what you're going through because many of us have been there, so please take as much time as you need. We all love Pimp and Moo and we fell in love with Sweet Pea too. We miss her and grieve with you. ((HUGS))

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  18. I am so sorry for your loss. Pea was an adorable little cat. Thank you for giving her a happy home. When my Blackie passed in 2007 I felt that I couldn't talk to anyone about my grief because they would think I was crazy for being sad about "just a cat". I found a website about pet grief and it was really helpful to "talk" with them via the internet. Once I was at a point where I could face seeing his things I took the fur from his comb, put it in a little plastic bag and taped it to the back of a framed photo I have of him. He was my boy.

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  19. I know how you feel, I just lost my little cat Jess on Friday. I found her in the garden, just as though she was sleeping. She was very old and seemed to go peacefully, which is the best way. Both Pea and Jess ended their days knowing that they were loved, and that's just about all you could ask x

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  20. Andrea &amp; the Celestial KittiesDecember 15, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    It's never easy, is it? I'm so sorry. Hugs and purrs

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  21. Dorian you take as long as you like talking about Sweet Pea. I'm still talking about Abby because I need to and I'm still feeling her voice and Spirit through HER blog. But don't ever feel if you need to talk that you shouldn't it's what you feel and what you need to say. Share all of your memories and do those posts you planned. Sweet Pea is still with you, I've taken to believing Abby is just in the other room, she's still with me, just like Sweet Pea is with you. She's just taking you on a different path than you thought. It's too soon for you, right now all you need do is just be as gentle with yourself as possible and talk all you want about Sweet Pea. All of us understand your sorrow and many of us know the road you are on, some of us are days ahead, some months, some years. All of us will tell you time will help soften the edges off the raw pain but it will always be hard but different and it will always be with you. But mainly the love will shine through and one day there will be more smiles than tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers and again I am so sorry about your loss of Sweet Pea.

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  22. We all understand, Dorian. I lost my Anna very suddenly last year, almost like what happened with Pea. Anna had also been a feral, but never allowed human contact until we trapped her and her kittens because the weather was too bad to leave them under the deck. It took one night in a warm safe place and one good meal to make Anna ours. She went from feral to house cat that quickly. I still see Anna every now and then. Maybe Pea will come visit you, too.

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  23. Nothing is ever silly, especially grieving when it comes to our purrecious kitties, our furry loved ones, no matter how long they stay with us. I have always known the very special love of a cat, and mourned quite a few myself. But I want to continue to remember the angel that YOU are, Dorian, and all that you do for these magnificent creatures .However brief a life here with us, they are now in Paradise for all eternity. I just have to believe that. Big X's & <3

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  24. Don't ever apologize for talking about someone you love!

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  25. Dearest Dorian, write as many times as you feel (and need) to, it is good for your soul. God bless you for everything you have done for Sweet Pea, the love she gave you back was worth it. RIP Sweet Pea, you little angel.

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  26. Thank you for sharing, and please continue as long as you need to. Losing a cat you love is not something that goes away in a few days, and losing one as quickly as you lost Pea is a trauma. I think you are exactly right about her message to you in your dream. And I have a pile of clothes in my closet that are the ones I wore when I lost my cats, and I still say their names out loud, so if you end up that way too it just means you loved her more than words can say, only your actions can fully express.

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  27. I'm so sorry for your loss but so glad for Pea that she had someone to belong to and that you were able to tell her how much you loved her and that she was really yours. Please be sure to give extra love to Pimp and Moo. Even though they weren't with Pea for very long, I'm sure they miss her.

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  28. Oh, believe in your dream, Dorian, for that is how our darlings come to us. And Sweet Pea as your Guardian Angel? Talk to Marta Williams. She has a website and has written wonderful books, too. And about losing a little one so suddenly? I've been getting further and further saddened as Christmas approaches this year and I have to put it down to losing my precious Tuxedo darling Billi Bi last Christmas Eve. I, too, woke to something very wrong: Billi was on the kitchen floor quietly growling: he had thrown a clot to his back legs. I carefully packed him up and off we went to the emergency vet where I learned that there was no hope for him but peace. He was loaded with painkillers and I was able to spend time with him: wrapped in a big red blankie with a red bandage holding his IV port. And then we said goodbye. No wonder my Christmas is so sad this year.

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  29. We, or I should say my husband rescued a little black feral. Our Bocce expired in August after a dianosis of cancer. ( Oral) A number of times we would want or head out to euthnize him. Our Bocce did NOT want to leave us, he fought to stay with his human daddy. We decided to listen to Bocce. It was a very hard 7 weeks for all of us. Our little black furrbaby died in my arms, where he would hear me read and sing to him. Although we ache to hold him now, ( my husband is still unable to talk of him, or to see even a picture a black cat.) Black Bocce reinforced that there is dignity and love in illness, life and death. The little guy shared this with us, as were are both ourselves are facing health problems. Our little Guardian Angel Cat.Wherever my husband was, he was there, with his paw always needing his human daddy's contact. We see many of our little rescues, ALL found in streets, over forty yrs time. We hear, see, and feel each of their presence. Love to you Dorian.

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  30. Oh bless your heart, I'm so sorry for your loss. So sudden that you had no time to prepare. I'm heart broken for you. By all means, share all the pictures you wish with us - I will love seeing them. What a beautiful girl, and she was so blessed to have you in her life. She was happy, well cared for and didn't have to suffer. Big HUGS!

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  31. dorian, honey, that was the sweetest post I've read from you... I know how much you loved our sweet pea & I know you know how much Kelly and I loved her too. she was a special little girl that gave us all back so much. SHE knew she was loved too. I'm just glad she was in your house and part of your family at the end. I will be forever grateful to you for that. sadly, my mom and I had to help our sweet Patch kitty cross over to the rainbow bridge today:(. I know Sweet Pea was there to make friends with her:). xoxo~marsha

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  32. I shed tears with you as I read this. I have lost several cats over the years and I recognized your sadness and pain. I thought of you and Sweet Pea all day yesterday and again the first thing this morning. I'm glad you have those wonderful memories and the few days of her in your home. Let Moo and Pimp comfort you...I'm sure they are sensing your sadness. Sending hugs for all of you.

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  33. I found this during the the the time our pet was so sick. This made the journey that Bocce was on, his death, at least a tiny easier to accept. It has not been four months, but seems like forty years. I hope this might be a small comfort to your grieving heart, Dorian.
    ~~~memorial for a pet~~~
    If my pet is well remembered, if sometimes she leaps through my dreams as actual as in life, eyes laughing, begging, it matters not where my pet sleeps: on a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring, or beside a flat pasture where cattle graze. It is one and the same, and nothing is lost--- if my memory lives. But there is one best place to bury a pet.
    ~~~I you bury her in this spot, she will come to you when you call--- come over the grim frontiers of death, and come down the well remembered path to your side again to where she belongs.
    ~~~People may scoff at you, who do not see even the lightest blade of grass bent by her footfall, people who have never really had a pet.Smile at them, for know sopomething that is hidden by them: the one best place to bury a pet is in the heart of her master. ~~~
    ~~~God, we bring you our grief in the loss of our pet and as for the courage to bear it. We bring you our thanks for our sweet pet who lived among us and gave us freely of its love. We commit our friend and companion into your loving hands. Give us eyes to see how your love embraces all creatures and how every living thing speaks to us of your love.~~~
    ~~~Amen~~~


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  34. My prayers for you all Marsha

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  35. HI Dorian I am so very sorry I know this was so sudden. The price that you are paying by helping so many animals is that your heart is broken often. God bless you many times over for all of your love, care and kindness, Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and grief with all of us. I know this will get better but I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Love Margaret Preston

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  36. My heart breaks for you. We lost our old man a couple of years ago and it still hurts. I wish I could take the pain... make you feel better. Just know that there are many of us out here feeling for you. Time will help, but the problem with that is that time takes.... time. Our hearts are with you!

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  37. Sherry ZbierajewskiDecember 15, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    I have three kitties. My youngest is a stray. He's my sweetie, just like your Pea. He snuck outside three diferent times. One of those times he was gone for over a week. I cried and was so upset. He came home. Please be glad that you gave Pea a good life in your home. She knew she was loved. I've lost kitties over the years - it just takes time to heal. Love the kitties you have, your a great fur-Mom.

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  38. Dorian, I'm so sorry for your loss of Sweet Pea. She reminds me of my
    black kitty, Mojo, who has medical issues we are struggling with. You
    are such a wonderful person for all that you do for all these kitties
    and I'm sure Sweet Pea loved you for what you did for her. In time the happy memories will overcome the sad ones. Take care.

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  39. Dorian, she is well and happy now. I fostered a shar pei who had been through heck with allergies, awful skin allergies. And her family could no longer keep her. I kept her until her next foster family could take her. She died later of a huge cyst they couldn't fix, that ultimately crushed her internal organs. But they said when she went, it would be quick and not painful.
    What I tell myself is that Chyna was loved all along, by her original family, by the family's elderly parents who finally could not keep her, by us for a few months, by her next family. She was never alone and she was loved.
    Pea had a rough life as a parking lot cat but she mellowed and let you take her in. You did the kindness of claiming her as your own. Like you said, she was fine until the end. She passed quietly and peacefully. That is all we can ask for our dear companion animals.
    I truly believe that all animals go to heaven. I know that all of my beloved passed pets will be there waiting for me and that we will have a wonderful reunion. All those leg rubs from the cats and sloppy kisses from the dogs. You will see her again. She will be fine and healthy and loving. Bless Sweet Pea's heart, she had a very happy few months of being your dear kitty. You can share your loss with us however long you need to and then go back to your happy posts, but take your time. We are here for you.
    Love,
    Lynne

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  40. As hard as I know it must have been, I really really want to thank you for this post. I started to break down while reading when I got to the part about the scar on your wrist. We had two brothers that we adopted in 2005 as babies, Tank and Blue, and Blue passed away last year to a tumor in his colon. I remember playing with him right before he passed and he gave me a scar on my wrist as well. I was pissed about it and then when we came home from the vet after making the decision we had to make, I remember not ever wanting that scratch/scar to go away. I've never told anyone else about this because I didn't think that they would understand. I like so many others are so sorry for your loss Dorian. Sweat Pea sounded like an amazing cat and I know I posted this before but I feel that she just had to be happy as a clam in your house and under your care. I don't know what else much I can say that everyone else hasn't but thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I know that it isn't easy. Again, thank you. :-)

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  41. My deepest heartfelt condolences to you!!! Go ahead and talk to her-- her spirit is still there -- A piece of YOUR heart went with her to the next world, so you and she will always be together until the day you reunite. As for the bed and her toys-- keep them for as long as you want. i could not move any of Princess's things -- bed, etc until a month after she died. Princess came back to me in dreams, and my much-missed beloved Best buddy Big Bad Baby Twinkle came back to me in a waking dream where she was just as large and in charge as she always was in her 18 yrs on this earth.

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  42. Dorian - know you gave sweet pea a great life! There was real love given by you both. My "Morris" left me a year ago and I still have some of his things around.

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  43. Dorian, I'm so sorry it has taken me awhile to write to you. I've had this page up ever since you wrote it and I read it and read it. You can write anything and whenever you want about Sweet Pea. I understand so much what you are going through. My Frisky went the same way as your Sweet Pea. With no signs sooner he went in three days. He also had a tumour by his liver. I remember it was a Friday and at dinner time I noticed his ears were all yellow and he didn't look quite the same. We went right away to our vet and she recommended we went to an animal hospital where they could do more tests on him if that is what we wished. She did do an x-ray but I believe she recommended the hospital for safe measure. And of course we went right away at the hospital. I was pacing, thinking of my baby, were they being good with him during the tests, how was he feeling being poked and prodded. I was a concerned mother. Well they kept him overnight for more tests. It was hard going back home but I knew he was in good hands. They even called us during the night to reassure us he was doing ok. By that time we knew what he had but I guess they wanted to check everything. The next day they told us to come and get him if we wanted to spend time with him at home because he did not have that much time left. My baby, I screamed to my husband! Then Sunday came and our Frisky was showing signs that he had to go to the Rainbow Bridge. I was absolutely devastated. I even missed one week of work. I did just like you. I would call his name out loud, I would sit by the favourite places he had around the house, I would smell his blankets and I didn't wash them until I could not smell him anymore. It was hell. My heart was broken in millions of pieces. After when my Sasha and my Stone went to the Rainbow Bridge I told them to go see Frisky and be happy with him. Dorian, I feel for you. Sweet Pea was so so lucky to have you. I truly believe that she was guiding you in your dream. Showing you she felt love in your home and she knew she had a home with you, Moo and Pimp. If you dream of her it will mean she is thinking of you and watching over you. I truly believe this and it has helped through my goodbyes to my beautiful babies (we always have up to five cats, we have four right now and we are blessed to have them). And I agree with you that writing it down, all your feelings, your dreams, everything does help and you have so many friends on your blog. Don't forget that. I wish you sweet dreams sweet Dorian and your Sweet Pea will always be there for you. Love, Celine and all my babies, frank, Jack, Kiki and Samantha. Xo

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  44. I felt blessed and woke up feeling satisfied and content when my cats came in my dreams. It's an amazing feeling isn't it? I just felt like they were telling me that they are doing ok and they are watching over me. Bless them and yours.

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